Wrecked. Selfish. Broken. Confused. Longing.
These words are what come to mind when I think of my life before Christ. As a matter of fact, my “life” was the farthest thing from one. I never truly discovered what living was. Each day brought me a new stage to proclaim MY value, MY strengths, and MY importance. Despite the fact that I was raised in a Christian home, I was constantly worshiping the “idiotic trinity”. Me, Myself, and I.
We all experience a moment of searching. We spend hours of our lives thinking of “what could be”, and wondering why we were truly placed in the position we are in at the moment. I sat before the feet of my Lord in confusion. The same Lord that had provided for me time and time again. The same Lord whose name I had heard all throughout the hallways of my childhood homes. Regardless of how familiar I was with His love and affection, I constantly searched for it in other places. Like many young women my age, I would rather feel the touch and embrace of a man instead of the embrace of my Savior. Instead of casting fears and anxieties onto Him, I stacked the weight onto myself and crumbled beneath the pressure.
After years of secretive depression, I realized how desperately I needed Him. I needed Him to help me up from my fall. I needed Him to heal my wounds that crippled me so severely. I needed Him to fill my lungs with a breath that wouldn’t suffocate me later. I needed Him. Every hour of every day, more than ever before.
As soon as I gave Him everything I held onto, He filled my empty hands with promises, comfort and rest. He gave me love when the hateful shadow of my past hovered over me. He gave me joy when I felt anything but joyful. He gave me peace when my surroundings would have produced stress and discomfort. The gifts were abundant, and I became more and more unworthy by the minute.
If I told you that my life was perfect, I would be lying. If I told you that waking up everyday to a battlefield is easy, I would be covering my false statement. If I told you that I had all the answers, I would be a hypocrite. Every single day, The Lord picks up His hammer and chisel, and He begins to work away at my flesh. I wake up in the morning and immediately have to bend to my selfish desires and my all-consuming flesh. But God continues to pour out His love on my thirsty soul as I strive to take steps closer to His embrace.
After blogging for about a year and a half now, The Lord continues to open my eyes to the beauty of the Christian women of today. Their hearts are large, but lack the craved fulfillment that only He can satisfy. They stand tall and are draped in beauty and uniqueness but continue to stare in the mirror. They peer into the glass and play the “more this-less that” game. I have done these exact things over the years, but I am here to tell you that you have a Rescuer. He can deliver you from your nightly pleas. He can defeat the silent enemies that plague your every thought. Chase after Him and He will be waiting.