#NotAlone [Kandis]

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The fear of Loneliness.

What do you do to fill the void created by impatience and the fear of being alone? Years ago, there was a point in my life that I chose to fill that void with a relationship. In my impatience and lack of waiting on the Lord I was in a place of emptiness and I believed that I could compensate by providing myself with the company I thought I needed to not feel physically alone. I got what I wanted, but not what I needed. It still never fully satisfied that void. Because of this, I felt as if I was personally destroying my relationship with the Lord by being disobedience and by following my emotions instead of the truth of God’s word and character. Then, the Lord graciously and lovingly pulled me out of this relationship and the lies that I had taught myself to believe, in order to teach me otherwise.

There was a lot of fear that got entertained in my thoughts when it ended…

What if I will always feel lonely? What if I never find a husband and be alone for the rest of my life? What if waiting just isn’t worth it?

I felt alone…. broken, bare and vulnerable before the Lord not knowing exactly what was going to happen next. It was a different and scary place for me. Fear has always been a struggle of mine. It arises from my lack of trust and belief in God Himself. During this whole situation, I never really believed that God would fully fill that void. I was always afraid that the Lord would ask me to wait on Him for what He had in store for me.  My fears became bigger than my trust.

I mean…Waiting?  Patience?

These are not processes or terms that we tend to use or hear very often. It’s hard to wait. It isn’t exactly in the forefront of our minds or the initial way we want to deal with things.  We always want the easy way, right?

Our impatience is built into our sinful nature and most definitely influenced by the culture that we live in today. We live in an “I want it, so I gotta have it NOW” world, and when we get what we want our minds are always searching for what we want next. There were also influential ways of thinking:

The world is saying- “You are only single once, live it up and enjoy it while you’re single!”

Christians are saying- “You’re only married once, I just want to be married, I don’t like being single!”

Because of the fear I had of being lonely and being put in a waiting season, it was common that I would fall into one of these two extremes. I was battling culture and my own impatience. What was the right way to think about all of this? I knew that the Lord wanted to break me free of the bondage that fear had over me. He had brought me into a place where I had no where to turn but to Him. It was the greatest and most substantial waiting season of my life yet… singleness. Though I was afraid and felt alone, God had begun to alter my thinking and change my perspective. I began to start thinking and believing that God really had designed seasons of singleness for bigger reasons. He specifically and intentionally gave me this season in order to BE ALONE with me.  So what was I so afraid of?

I started to enjoy God’s company, so much more than any company that I had ever encountered. I didn’t want to stop learning about who God was. I wanted to be used by God, for God and I wanted to take full advantage of this season of singleness that I had alone with God. I began to think, “I am only single once. I intend to be married the rest of my life which will be more years then I will be single. I want to make the best of my serving God and glorifying him where I’m at now, in ways I won’t be able to when I am not alone. I don’t have much time.” This was how I started thinking. It enabled me to take the focus off of my fears and what I wasn’t receiving for myself and find joy and contentment in the waiting season that God had given me. There was a new found love in serving God.

I went from being spiritually empty because of the fear I had of being alone, to full, satisfied and confident.

Spiritual fullness can fill your temporal loneliness, eternally.

THAT is a transformation that only God can take credit for. What a gracious act of God to love such a sinner as myself who distrusts and fears what He’s doing in my life and what He holds for my future.

We have a God who is intentional in His relationship with His children. It is not in God’s character to throw things our way with bad intentions. God had personally intended to grow me and to rid me of my fear of being alone and waiting. He put that season of waiting in my life on purpose. He had greater plans for my life than for me to take control of it myself. He proved to me that I am not alone and I never was, He was and always will be with me no matter the heights or the depths. He was showing me and teaching me that growing into the likeness of Christ was my goal and there was hope and a bigger picture at hand. Little did I know that in my waiting season God had lifted my fear of being alone and replaced it with the reminder of the love that He has for me.

“There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear.”-1John 4:18

I remember reading this verse and felt as if it had jumped right off the pages and into my heart. God’s word was active and living and He was weaving it right into my life. He was teaching me that being alone with him isn’t the same as being alone without Him. I had hope. Hope in the fact that by waiting on God for His best, He was allowing me to participate in His will in the process.

Everyone is in a season of waiting in one way or another. Maybe you are single, waiting for a relationship, waiting to get married, or for a baby, for a job, or waiting for a different season of life, no matter what your waiting season looks like our hope is the same. Our hope is not in the blessing that we are waiting to receive but in God Himself. Our longings belong to Him because we are ultimately longing and looking for something to fully satisfy us. Our deep longings are for Eternity. We have hope in a God who will never leave us alone in any of our waiting.

“For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from him. He only is my rock and my salvation,
my fortress; I shall not be shaken.”-Psalm 62:5-6

I wish I could explain in more words just how important and impactful that waiting season was for me. Being alone with God had filled the void of being with anyone or in any relationship. Even now, in my marriage, my husband cannot fill a void that only God can. If you are afraid of being alone in a waiting season, I encourage you to take heart.

“I am sure that God keeps no one waiting unless He sees that it is good for him to wait.” – C.S. Lewis

In His love and grace- Kandis Marino

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