#NotAlone [Jordan]

jordan

It was July when my life was forever changed.

I was going to the doctor for a physical, and I was having some digestive problems.  The doctor came in, asked me some questions, and left with a funny look on her face. She came back in with a heart Doppler and placed it on my stomach. She heard a heartbeat. A heartbeat that wasn’t mine.

I immediately broke down in tears. I found out I was in my second trimester even though I’d been having a period the whole time. How could this have happened?

“You have some decisions to make” said the doctor. “It’s not too late to have an abortion”.

I felt like every bad thing I had ever done had caught up with me, like a scarlet letter had been placed on my chest for everyone to see as I walked by. I had been wild in the months prior to discovering my pregnancy, and everyone knew it. I had only been with this guy one time, and did not want anything to do with him. I was so ashamed and embarrassed, and I knew I had embarrassed my family too.

That moment was my lowest point in life.

Every drink I had had, every cigarette I had smoked, every time I had purged a meal because I felt fat I knew had affected this innocent being in my body.

This was supposed to be such a blessing, but I was convinced that God was punishing me.

A couple weeks later, I went in for an ultrasound to see what problems this baby would have. It was a full body test, and after waiting some time, the doctor came in with the report. “Well, it looks like we’re expecting a healthy boy in a couple months,” he said. I didn’t believe him. How? Everything I had read on the internet pointed to problems because of my selfish activities, but no, my baby was okay.

That was such refreshing news, but I was still at a point where I thought I was completely alone. No one knew how I felt. Yeah I knew girls who had gotten pregnant out of wedlock, but they all had boyfriends. They also knew that very early on they were expecting, and I didn’t.

One night I was lying in bed and writing letters to God. I was at a point where I literally couldn’t use worldly things like partying to cope with my depression. I didn’t know how to fill this void in my heart. I told Him I was so mad at Him, and asked Him why He would do such a thing to me. But all I got back was scripture verses about how much He loves me.

Shortly after that, events began to unfold that overwhelmed me with God’s love.

I was thrown two baby showers (one by my work and the other by my family), and got everything that I needed. Old friends that were good, God-spirited girls began to randomly reach out to me, and it turned out that one was also a young mother.

And then I sent my testimony in to The Simply Beloved and was asked to become a writer for them.

Then just a few short months later, I was blessed with a perfect, healthy baby boy. I fell in love immediately, and continue to grow more and more in love with him each day. Colton is my biggest blessing; he got me out of the party scene, brought my family closer, and is the first boy born into my family in over 30 years!

God knew exactly what we all needed, even though I didn’t realize it at the time. He didn’t put me in these bad predicaments, but by giving Him my heart He took all my bad stuff and stitched it into something beautiful.

Sometimes I think He gave me Colton to just give me a glimpse of the love he has for me.

I know that I have a wonderful group of friends, I’m a leader for “We the Free” in my hometown, and I’m more motivated to finish school and start a good life for Colton.

I always thought that I was alone because I had sinned too much. I thought that I could never do anything for His glory, or be a good mom to my son. My loves, we are never alone, no matter where we find ourselves in life. He just wants our hearts.

I promise, your ashes will be turned into beauty. Just like mine were.

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Love,
Jordan

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