Is it possible to be alone even in a room filled with people?
I started my last year of college feeling so close to reaching one of my goals, yet it was not enough. I realized that maybe my life needed something deeper or more fulfilling. I had tons of friends in my life and people who seemed to care about me, but something was missing. My future was in the palms of my hands, and I didn’t know what to do. I freaked out.
I felt so lost, and I didn’t really know how to even describe the feeling. I was afraid of being misunderstood or seen as ungrateful for all the blessings I had. God was always there, but I was ashamed of knowing how distant my relationship was with Him and how little time I invested in Him.
I started analyzing my life, and for some reason being “popular” or “fun” weren’t the adjectives that I wanted people to use to describe me anymore. Striving only for the approval of others is not who I am and I was sure that was not what God wanted for me.
These feelings pushed me into a tornado of emotions, and I couldn’t see clearly. I tried to cover my feelings and instead started to surround myself with more people and parties because that is what I was used to. I found myself feeling out of place and ALONE.
Yes. It is possible to be alone even in a room filled with people.
Why didn’t I turn to God? It was my ego that was stopping me from being closer to Him. I was ashamed of not seeking Him before and felt guilty for forgetting about Him. I felt alone because I wanted to. But I know God did not forget me.
There are so many aspects of my life that needed change. How do I even start? I was on the right track academically but I didn’t feel like I was fulfilling God’s plan for my life. One night I decided enough was enough.
6 For God, who said, “Let light shine out of darkness,” made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of God’s glory displayed in the face of Christ. 7 But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. 8 We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; 9 persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. 10 We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. (2 Cor. 4:6–10)
As I read these verses, I started crying. I was carrying such a heavy burden, and I wouldn’t let it go. I was tired of telling myself that I had everything under control and that I was happy when I wasn’t.
That night I poured out my heart to God, and I told Him all my worries and concerns. I was scared of the “real world”. I had high expectations and I felt that I needed to meet them, but I wasn’t sure if that was God’s plan for me.
I finally decided I needed to let go. I gave all my worries to Him, and I promised to take it one day at a time. I decided to make God my #1 priority, and, for some reason, being ALONE was not a bad thing anymore. As I got closer to God, people who weren’t a positive influence weren’t around anymore. God was always on my mind – not because that’s how it should be but because I was a happier person that way.
I got baptized a few months after I reconnected with God, and I started going to church again. Suddenly, dealing with the daily struggles of life wasn’t as hard anymore because I knew God was with me.
God is in control.
I am still learning to let go. My personality has always been very strong and I like to do things my way! That worked for a little while, but it also caused me a lot of headaches and stress. I learned that it is easier to go through life hand in hand with God.
Sisters, God loves us so much. Even though we may feel alone sometimes, God is always with us. Seek after Him. Don’t be afraid of how other people view you, and don’t let your stubbornness stop you from admitting your sins and strengthening your relationship with Him. You are not alone.
Now, I am here writing and sharing with women who love God. My life has never been more in control. I am in love with a man who loves God and shares that love with me. I enjoy and love my work, and I am no longer scared or stressed about my future. While I may have feelings of loneliness again, I know that God is in control and He is always with me. I can’t wait to complete all the plans that God has for me, but I am also happy with the present because I know what a miracle life is!