Trusting God is so rewarding.
And so hard.
Lately, I’ve let some doubt creep in. I’ve let comparison create these doubts, which have spawned feelings of regret.
And I hate that.
Because I’m not regretful.
I have thoughts like, “Maybe if I would have stayed in school I would be close to finishing a degree that means something. Maybe then I could get a great job to cover the student loans that are soon to be rolling in,” or “maybe if I did X, Y, and Z, I would have a bigger voice.“
Because where I am right now…painting, making a home, learning to love…my voice feels so small. Even though this is my dream, I don’t feel like much at all and some days I’m not even sure who I am. I see so many friends and family working hard toward graduation. I see those who have already completed college, succeeding in their “grown-up jobs.” And here I am…at home doing this and that.
Whenever these feelings grow in my mind they consume me. They weigh me down in such a debilitating way. I feel like I can’t move. Can’t do anything. It makes the daily difficult – no, dreadful. This isn’t depression, but it depresses me.
These lies wreak havoc on my heart. They not only devalue who I am in Christ, but they devalue Christ himself. These lies tell me that God didn’t really have a plan for me when He called me away from my idol of academics and offered me a step of faith into marriage. They tell me that God is a joke, He never really knows what He’s doing, and He isn’t who He says He is. These lies tell me that I have to work out of my own ability and forget the promises from God. They tell me that earthly success is greater than my steps of faith – which in reality are the real deal heart things that actually equate to something before the throne of God.
Today I’m calling out all of the lies.
I may not know much about my future at this point but I know Christ. I know that He is everything He claims to be. I know that His will for my life is vastly different than His will for my friends’ lives. This one has taken me a while to accept, but I know that He created me to be an artist – a creator – and not a science major. And that’s okay.
The world begs me to ask who will pay the bills and how a life could possibly be built on anything less than the foundation of a college degree. Sometimes I get caught up in asking myself the same thing. Yet, in my doubt and worry God always provides in the most beautiful ways.
He reminds me of His promises.
He reminds me that He’s so much bigger than what I can see now.
He reminds me that He is not limited in resources.
He reminds me that it’s okay if my life doesn’t “fit the mold.”
He reminds me that no ones life really does.
He reminds me that I am unique,
that you are unique,
that we have power over comparison.
He reminds me that regardless of what we perceive as going “well” in people’s lives, we’re all broken just the same.
Today I am so thankful for Christ’s open hand, inviting me to step away from the ordinary. I am thankful for His truth, pouring into my soul, bringing me back to the core of my existence: to honor and glorify Him. I’m thankful that the weight of life doesn’t have to slow me down because He frees me.
We rest in Him knowing that He writes our stories.
…And the part about having a small voice?
I’m reminded that my voice is much stronger than I know – not because I’ve made it strong, but because I am a Child of God and I speak with His authority.
We are His beloved.
He sets us free.
PC: @Katherinewilliams via #belovedlife