I love Disney movies. I love to sing the catchy songs, laugh at the hidden humor that I didn’t understand until now, and more so than anything, take a trip down memory lane back to my childhood when I wanted to be a Disney princess. But here’s my problem with my old school Disney girls : the movie isn’t over until she gets the guy. If you look at pretty much every Disney princess film that we grew up with, it’s not a victory until the guy saves her, and she typically sacrifices something ( Ariel signed her soul to Ursula so she could go on a date with Eric) to be with these men. They weren’t worthy without their “true” love, or a man in their life.
This was my thought process for the majority of my teen years. I thought happiness only came with having a boyfriend, and eventually getting married. I thought that if you had a boyfriend you couldn’t be called “ugly” or “unwanted” because you had someone that wanted you.
I didn’t have a boyfriend until the summer before my freshmen year of college. Having a boyfriend was the best thing in the world to me. I loved him so much, and I felt that I had finally blossomed into a woman because I was in a relationship. I put my everything into Matt because I didn’t know different; if he was happy, I was happy; if he was having a bad day, then I was having a bad day. I was in Knoxville my freshmen year and he went to college in our hometown, so I would find ways to get home every weekend so I could see him. Time that I should’ve spent with my family, I spent with him and his friends, doing things I shouldn’t have been doing, but Matt loved to do so I did them too.
We broke up in May. I was completely, utterly, devastated. He was my happiness, my heart, my worth. I felt like I’d lost everything when he left. I stopped eating. I’d cry myself to sleep each night. I had it in my head that my happiness was associated with being in a relationship, and until I was in one again, I was just going to be depressed.
For 3 years this was my thought process, and every relationship after the one with Matt made me devalue myself more and more. I believed whatever guys would say, and night after night, I lost a little part of myself until I was completely drained. I just wanted company, good or bad.
Skylar was bad. I call him my rock bottom, the complete pit of my worthlessness. At this time I lived in an apartment by myself and often felt lonesome. Skylar would come stay on the weekends and I was naive enough at the time to think that what we had was a “relationship”. He would always say things like “I wanna take this slow, it’s gonna be awhile until I call you my girl”. Just the thought of someone considering me as a potential girlfriend was enough for me to stick around. A few weeks into our “relationship” he asked to keep some money at my house, a good amount at that. I would’ve done anything to keep him around, so I agreed. A couple weeks later, he wanted that money back. Without hesitation, I went to get it, but it wasn’t there. I freaked out. I told him I was innocent, but he didn’t care. Day and night he texted me with threats about what he was gonna do to me if I didn’t get his money. Out of complete fear and stupidity, I put a lean on my car title and cashed the loan so I could give it to him. A couple days later he texted me wanting to hang out again, and in my worthless state of mind, I took him back. We had a falling out a couple weeks after that, and it didn’t take long before I found out he had been in a serious relationship with someone the whole time I thought we were “together”. I was just a “side ho” in his words. “You’re a side ho, and that’s all you’ll ever be to anybody,” is what he told me.
I believed and hung onto every word he said. Over the next couple months he would text me trying to hang out, but I would reject him, so the name-calling persisted. One night he called me 15 times and sent me a Facebook message trying to get a hold of me. I told him to leave me alone, and in response came several messages telling me that I was fat and I needed to go jog some laps. I had placed my worth in him, so I held no value to myself. In my head, the things that he thought and said about me must have been what everyone thought.
I had no idea that during all this time, through all my crazy, bad relationships, I had a King who oh-so-desperately was trying to pursue me, who wanted me to find my worth, my love in Him. He knew everything I had done- every impure thought, every regrettable night, every flaw that these “relationships” had made evident to me, and He wanted my heart still. Eventually, when I was left with nothing, I went to Him, and to this day have never looked back. He took my broken heart and made it whole again. He made beauty from my ashes. He wrote a love letter describing how worthy to Him I am. Do you know what else he did? He died on the cross. He died on the cross for me. For you. For anyone that comes to him. That alone is enough to feel worthy.
Now I know that I am worth so much more than any of these past relationships and boyfriends led me to believe. I’ve recently been blessed with an amazing man who treats me how I deserve to be treated, who knows my past and accepts it, and best of all, strengthens my relationship with The Lord.
Loves, I hope my story and struggle finds you and meets you wherever you are. I hope that you never feel unloved, or think that a man/relationship/marriage is the root of all happiness. We are worth far more than what a single man thinks.
We are pursued by the King of all kings.
We are loved. We are worthy.